Monday, July 12, 2010
Italy or Not?
Chopra calls this quest to fill that deepest hunger the search for the pearl beyond price, the breath of God, the water of life. He states: "Finding the hidden dimensions in yourself is the only way to fulfill your deepest hunger."
It makes me wonder if this might be the underlying cause of a skirmish that often plays its way through me. It happened again yesterday. I am a spontaneous creature but I'm also a practical person. Yesterday, while I was taking a break from unpacking, I discovered an Italy tour with David Whyte, one of my favorite poets. It sounds incredible ... a chance to spend time with someone who has great wisdom and frames it in words that are lovely and deep ... a chance to spend time in a beautiful place where I've never been. But, it's expensive. And, I haven't even finished moving in and I'm already starting to think about a journey away. What is this?
Part of me says "go while you can" and part of me says "why can't you be happy staying at home and save all that money?" Today I was talking with a wise friend about relationships with emotionally unavailable people, which, of course, don't tend to be very satisfactory. I said my insight from my share of those types of relationships was that I need to be emotionally available to myself. But, I'm not sure I know how to do that. Then I began to wonder what keeps us from being emotionally available ... and the answer came up ... duh! ... fear. But, what fear would keep me from being emotionally available to myself?
An online article states: If you are attracting unavailable partners, there is something unavailable in you. And I believe that. It further states: How available are you to yourself on a deep level? Our relationship with others is but a reflection of our relationship with our inner self. Reflect on what you may be running away from within yourself with your endless external activities. Is the thought of going to Italy ... which surfaced even before the storage pod parked outside my door has been unloaded ... just me running from myself, throwing up distractions to avoid the deeper work of being emotionally available?
Do I really want to go to Italy? Or is this a manifestation of the secret hunger to know the unknown dimensions of myself, to know the breath of God? Would I find these things in Italy? Or, would the trip just be an expensive ... albeit lovely ... distraction?