Saturday, September 21, 2019

What Now? - Ageism and the benefits of "this stage of life"

Maggie's Family Market by Marcia Muth
“And I find my eighties have been even more fun than my seventies were.”   
— Marcia Muth, folk artist

Greetings fellow “olders:” 

Ashton Applewhite uses that term rather than some of the ones we’ve tried on before such as … “elders,” “crones,” etc., primarily because it is value neutral.

Recently, I started thinking about writing about this stage of life, and it is turning out to be a far more interesting project than I first thought, especially since there is already a lot of literature out there. I am enjoying the positive, growth-oriented approach of Applewhite's This Chair Rocks. She also has an 11-minute TED talk which is a great (and often funny) way to hear her positive take on this time of life … and to understand “ageism” and how it affects our thinking. 

Ashton Applewhite: click here for TEDtalk.
I have to admit, when I started this project, I was thinking more about the downsides of being older, however, reading this book and watching the TED talk reminded me that I’m thoroughly enjoying life right now at the age of 73. Of course, I happen to be healthy, financially secure, and have people and projects in my life that bring me happiness. Not everyone is so fortunate.

Working title for the project is  … 

What Now?

Wisdom about this
sometimes strange,
sometimes heartbreaking,
sometimes magical time of life.
(special thanks to Barbara Gaughen-Muller and Harriet Eckstein 
for their contributions to the title search)
So, in this vein, I would like to ask you two questions:
  1. What benefits have you found to being in “this stage of life?”
  2. How have you experienced “ageism” … being discriminated against or treated as if you can’t or shouldn’t do something because of your age?
You can respond by email - jwycoff at or in the comments section below. Responses will be gathered into the next post (just let me know if you would like your name withheld.) 

All of the posts about this will be on this blog under the category: What Now?

                                  “Never grow up.”
After a full and creative life Marcia Muth, designated a “Living Treasure,” died in Santa Fe in 2014 at age 94. When asked about her secret to creativity and youthful vigor, she said: “Never grow up.”

Click here for more information about her life.

Tuesday, September 17, 2019

Love Letters to my life #15: A new kind of happiness

Turquoise Turnings
by Joyce Wycoff

(We know the day we were born, but most of us do not know the day we will die. This love letter to my life is written on the day I've designated as my death day, the 17th of every month, and reminds me to be grateful for my incredible life.)

Three days ago my older granddaughter turned 18. It’s easy to turn the clock back to when her mom was in and out of the hospital with false labor pains as we wondered if Ava would share her birthday with the most horrendous act of terrorism the US had experienced. She waited, though, and finally arrived on the 14th. Having never had children of my own, I felt blessed to be there as part of her waiting family.

The family has been through its share of problems; however, when given a choice of dispersing or being a family, we kept choosing to be family. And now we’re all here in Reno, with one child “of age” and another one four years behind, and all of the adults on solid footing. We’re not a Hallmark-card family, but we’re together, supporting and loving each other.
Ava is in the carriage
Recently, on a morning walk, I realized I am happier than I’ve ever been. However, it’s a different kind of happiness, a contented peacefulness that buzzes at a cellular level. My dearest aunt often said that certain things strengthened her bones. What I feel right now strengthens my bones, comforts me like a Patagonia fleece (a plug for Annie’s employer), makes me happy to be who I am, where I am.

Yes, there have been times that were more ecstatic: falling in love with Richard, becoming a stepmother to two amazing young girls, being awestruck by Santa Barbara, the opening day of the first InnovationNetwork Convergence, making my first piece of art that bowled me over. Those things took my breath away and I am grateful for the experiences.

And, double yes, there are sucky parts of today’s world; things that make me want to leap onto the back of a silver stallion and ride through the world with a cleansing sword, or carry the brightest lantern into the dark corners. There are moments when hate writhes on the ground like breeding snakes and I want to pull up a hoodie and huddle somewhere with my kindle.

River birch
 Then I go for a walk with a cool breeze blowing in my face and the sun warming my back. I walk through giant trees dappling sunlight on the green grass. I see women and men walking their dogs, gaggles of young girls giggling, an old woman wearing a huge sun hat weeding the Rotary garden along the river walk, and I am just glad to be alive.

The ending words of Anne of Green Gables are, “God’s in his Heaven. All’s right with the world.” I know that all’s not right with our world, however, in my small piece of it, things are just fine. I also know that, this, too shall pass. So, I savor this precious moment.

Wednesday, September 11, 2019

This administration is NOT the United States

Reno at the river
This administration is NOT the United States; 
nor was Obama’s, Bush’s (either one), Clinton's, 
nor Carter's, Reagan's, Ford's, Nixon's, FDR's,
or even Washington's. 

Living two years in Mexico as an expat and then returning to life in the US has clarified a lot of my feelings about being a US citizen.

Several years ago, I was kayaking on June Lake in the eastern Sierra, when one of those messages struck me. You know the ones ... you may not actually hear them, but they come through a megaphone into your mind.

I was peacefully kayaking around the lake, noticing the twisted junipers growing seemingly out of solid rock when it sounded:


It was so clear, so shocking, I almost dropped my paddle. I haven’t gotten many messages like that in my lifetime, so it stuck with me, almost haunted me.

Eastern Sierra near Bridgeport
At the time, after moving about more than the average couple, we were living in the high desert, eastern Sierra town of Bishop, content with life. I decided the message meant that regardless of where I was living, I should learn and grow. Little did I know how many times I would get to test that message over the next few years.

Gradually, I came to realize that it referred to more than just geography as within a handful of years, I lost my husband, my home, my mother and second mother, a dream of happily ever after, another home, and my dog. Each loss was another “place” giving me opportunities to learn more about who I am and how I want to live in the world.

As I lost the most critical connections in my life, I began to realize the importance of things I had always taken for granted: family, love, unconditional love, community, real friends and shared history. However, as life became increasingly more disconnected, the thought of moving Mexico began to seem like the next step. It was just another place to grow, a place I had always enjoyed, and one that fit my Social Security budget.
Ajijic pier
So, I moved to Ajijic, an art-rich, gringo-filled village on beautiful Lake Chapala. Because of all the people from Canada and the US, speaking Spanish wasn’t a necessity and it was somewhat like a high school for seniors … if you were interested in something, there were bound to be playmates interested in the same thing.

For the first time in memory, it felt like I was part of a community. Walking to the plaza meant stopping to talk with new friends … you just didn’t know which ones you’d run into. It was heaven: great photography and a chance to get involved with amazing projects such as the Feria Maestros del Arte, an organization that produces an annual weekend festival of Mexican folk art where ALL the sales money goes to the artisans who come from all over Mexico. The Feria collects no fees or commissions from the artisans, and pays all their travel expenses. 
Alebrije from the Feria Maestros del Arte
I was happy: writing, making art, studying Spanish and exploring some of the incredible colonial towns in central Mexico. I had a few close friends and a growing network of acquaintances. Learning about the history, culture and art of Mexico fed my intense need to learn; plus, I had moved into a beautiful, historic property right on the lake with a pool and what felt like a private resort for its nine owners. 
The pool at my place on Lake Chapala
Life seemed perfect, until …

I was visiting family in Reno, doing my usual morning walk when tears started falling. Ridiculous I thought, but still they came. When I tried to find the source of the tears, the words that appeared were: “I want to come home.” That was strange since I’d never lived in Reno and had never ever felt “home-sick.” Home was just the place where all my stuff was. 

Yet, the impulse was so strong, I immediately announced the decision to move to Reno. Within two weeks I had bought a car and a new home (basically a tiny house) and, within a month, I was living in Reno trying to figure out why. 
"Family" is what I told everyone and that was a huge piece of the puzzle. Eventually I came up with some additional, somewhat superficial reasons; however, it took weeks before I realized what underlay them all … ROOTS! With all my moving around, I never thought I had roots, but Mexico taught me differently. 
 Art piece inspired by Fiesta de Cristo Rey
In the month prior to moving to Reno, I had explored the state of Michoacán, primarily Pátzcuaro and Morelia. I was fortunate enough to find a brilliant guide, Jaime Hernández, who opened up the history and culture of Mexico in a powerful way. It is common knowledge that family is important in the Mexican culture. However, Jaime helped me understand more of what is meant by “family.” 

Wedding in a small village near Pátzcuaro, Michoacán
As we stood in a village plaza watching a wedding in process, he explained the proceedings and told me about one of his family weddings. In the wedding of a godchild, there was a great deal of ceremony among the grandparents, uncles, and cousins of the bride’s family and the groom’s as they committed to supporting the young couple. Then, the two family groups came together and passed around cigarettes and tequila as both sides solidified their intentions to become one, much larger family. 

As Jaime described his family wedding, he joked, “I gained 43 new family members in that one day.” In Mexico, family grows quickly into community and becomes the primary support system in an uncertain world.

Jaime’s guidance was one of the best learning experiences I had in my time in Mexico. However, it may also have opened my eyes to the important fact that Mexico, with all its beauty and lovely, generous people, was not what filled my bones. My own roots were in the United States.

When I looked back over my two years in Mexico, I could trace a growing trend in the conversations and Facebook posts of my expat friends, who are largely progressive and primarily from the United States. Shock, anxiety, anger, and disbelief have been common reactions to the dismantling of human rights and protections of our democracy and natural resources by the current administration. 
Beyond those emotions though, the expats also often express gratitude for no longer being in the US with its increasing violence and openly expressed hatred of anyone with diverse beliefs, colors, economic status, or religious affiliations.

Refrains heard often included: “I’m glad I’m not there (US).” … “I would never go back.” “It’s not the country I thought it was.”

I understand those feelings. However, I think they also are part of what brought me back as I suddenly felt that I needed to be here. I needed to stand with my country in its time of trial and pain. I don’t know how my being here will help, but I feel like it’s important for me to do my small part to help us survive this challenge to our democracy. Ours is a democracy birthed with the seedling of an idea of freedom and justice for all, which may or may not survive the current assault, but I will be part of whatever happens. 
Reno's Pride Parade was a joyous affair
I will support diversity in all forms, take part in the political process, connect with my community, fill my remaining years with as much beauty as I can find and share, and try in all ways to "be love."

Afternoon glow and families at the river
Beyond the current administration and each of the administrations that went before it, there is the people of this country who have shown incredible generosity and goodness, as well as a dark shadow of greed and discrimination. I don’t know if our better natures will win. I don’t know if we will have a habitable planet long enough to find out. I only know that:

This is my country, good and bad. 
It is where I was planted. 
It is my place to grow.

Friday, September 6, 2019

Go placidly amid the noise and haste

"Winter Moon" by Joyce Wycoff

There was a time a few decades ago when almost all of us had this poem posted on our wall (usually in calligraphy); some even knew it by heart. It was attributed to different people but apparently written in 1927 by Max Ehrmann, a poet and lawyer from Terre Haute, Indiana. The word desiderata means “things that are desired.” Ehrmann said he wrote it for himself, “because it counsels those virtues I felt most in need of.”


Go placidly amid the noise and haste,
and remember what peace there may be in silence.
As far as possible without surrender
be on good terms with all persons.
Speak your truth quietly and clearly;
and listen to others,
even the dull and the ignorant;
they too have their story.

Avoid loud and aggressive persons,
they are vexations to the spirit.
If you compare yourself with others,
you may become vain and bitter;
for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself.
Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans.

Keep interested in your own career, however humble;
it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time.
Exercise caution in your business affairs;
for the world is full of trickery.
But let this not blind you to what virtue there is;
many persons strive for high ideals;
and everywhere life is full of heroism.

Be yourself.
Especially, do not feign affection.
Neither be cynical about love;
for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment
it is as perennial as the grass.

Take kindly the counsel of the years,
gracefully surrendering the things of youth.
Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune.
But do not distress yourself with dark imaginings.
Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness.
Beyond a wholesome discipline,
be gentle with yourself.

You are a child of the universe,
no less than the trees and the stars;
you have a right to be here.
And whether or not it is clear to you,
no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.

Therefore be at peace with God,
whatever you conceive Him to be,
and whatever your labors and aspirations,
in the noisy confusion of life keep peace with your soul.
With all its sham, drudgery, and broken dreams,
it is still a beautiful world. 

Be cheerful.
Strive to be happy. 

Max Ehrmann, Desiderata, Copyright 1952.

Monday, September 2, 2019

Intend Peace

On September 15, 2009, I began this blog. At the time, it was called Peaceful Legacies and it helped me stay peaceful through challenging times. As my life changed, the identity of the blog changed and now it is changing again. Once again it began when a piece of art resurfaced ... art that was created as I thought about my intentions.

Here it is again with my renewed commitment to these intentions:

Trust Love
Create Beauty
Seek Truth
Give Freely
Receive Easily

Listen Generously
See Goodness
Honor Self
Laugh Often
Practice Joy

Be thankful for EVERYTHING!