I am 64, have an MBA and ran my own business for several years. I've published 5 books, been happily married and maintained deep, long-term friendships. On paper I'm a normal, reasonably intelligent, sane person.
But, yesterday I was bested by a bag of cookies. Before you get the wrong idea, this wasn't Pepperidge Farm's Milanos, Girl Scouts' Thin Mints or even something from the local deli. This was a bag of Yogurt Stars I had bought for my granddaughters because I knew I wouldn't eat them ... but then forgot to give them to them when they were here. These are about a 1.5 out of 10 on the cookie-goodness scale. But I ate them anyway ... all of them ... in about three rounds ... and it wasn't a mini-bag. Once or twice I had enough awareness to ask "why?" but not enough to stop.
Toward the end, it was the same-old refrain of "might as well eat the rest so I can go back to being perfect." For ten or fifteen minutes ... maybe. But this particular dive into the mediocre prompted a deeper look (why does it always come after the damage is done?). I've got a new housemate and she has different eating habits than I do and likes to have some things around that I don't resist well ... or at all. So, I've heard myself asking her to hide them. I didn't like what I was hearing. I sound like a baby with no control. Actually, it's more like a baby with no awareness ... or like a teenager refusing awareness.
Anyway, I've decided that it's time to focus on awareness ... awareness of what I'm trying to block or avoid feeling ... awareness of why I'm stuffing myself with really awful sugar when if I wanted a truly lovely dessert, I could just have it.
So, today I went to Costco and bought 23,254 calories worth of candy ... colorfully wrapped Lindt balls, Almond Roca and minis (you know ... Snickers, Baby Ruths, etc.) ... and a large glass jar to hold it all. I'm calling it my Awareness Jar (see attached picture). I wanted it to be as beautiful and appealing as possible ... and everything in it is way better than Yogurt Stars.
When I want sweetness, my Awareness Jar is there but my promise to myself is that I will delve into my emotional and spiritual awareness to find out why I'm wanting it ... BEFORE indulging myself. After all, there's nothing in that jar that I need for physical sustenance and I know there's nothing in there that is even good for me. If I have a cookie moment and eat the whole thing, it will make me very sick ... and add a minimum of 7 pounds (at 3500 calories per pound) to my body ... to say nothing of what it would do to my blood sugar.
It's an experiment and I'll let you know how it goes. If I eat the whole thing, I'll post a picture of my chipmunk face.