When a new friend mentioned a recent time when her "cup was empty," I had an immediate, visceral recognition that my own cup was empty and that I had been trying to deny its emptiness. I had been trying to be positive, optimistic and strong but instead I was just denying my feelings and the realities of my life and the losses I have experienced. Just admitting to myself that I was empty and needed to nourish my spirit lightened the load.
But, now I'm beginning to wonder about my methods of filling my cup. I feel like I've rushed through my entire life trying to get "there," wherever or whatever there was. Now I can feel myself rushing to fill my cup, chasing around, filling up hours, trying to fill my cup from a fire hydrant. This morning I awoke feeling quiet and rested and thought wouldn't it be nice to just sit by a quiet stream and slowly fill my cup or simply place it under a tiny waterfall and let the slow trickle fill it.
Several months ago, I decided that the next 10 years of my life would be the best ones available to me (for reasons of health and energy) and, therefore, they should be GOLDEN. I immediately started thinking about things I wanted to see, places I wanted to go, adventures I wanted to have. The very commitment to having "ten golden years" started feeling like a pressure to succeed or achieve something. This morning the world had shifted a little and now I wonder if "golden" might not include slowly and deliberately doing very little except savoring the moment I'm in.
It's an interesting time of life and I keep wondering where I'm going. I keep wanting to turn to the back of the book to see how it ends even when I know that the book ... the ending ... is still being written. Now the thought strikes me ... maybe I'm already here. Maybe sitting here in the deep quiet of this morning, reflecting on life and spirit is my "there." Maybe instead of rushing around the world looking for new connections and experiences, it's ok to just sit here in this quiet place and connect with my spirit and let whatever parts of the world that want to connect to me come to me.