Tuesday, October 4, 2022

Sweet Peace #42: When does the caterpillar know it is something new?

New newsletter - details at end

    I have spent my life being a bad journaler. I could blame my mother, but then she gets too much blame for too many things. It was my own fear of her reaction that made me write in code in my tiny, lockable, 5-year journal. I knew the lock wouldn’t keep her out; I didn’t realize how much it kept me out, since I couldn’t decipher my own code.

    I am older now … much older … still slowly releasing that fear of speaking truth to myself, being found out, perceiving my thoughts and life path as too uninteresting to put into words, on paper. That self-doubt and belief in my unworthiness as a life witness left behind me a broken path littered with journal starts and stops.

    Something has changed. Somewhere along the twisting path of the last three years since I suddenly left Mexico, a place I intended to live forever, in a country I loved and enjoyed exploring, where I had already established permanent residency, I changed.

    In the summer of 2019, on a typical morning walk while visiting family in Reno, where I had never lived, confusing tears began to drip. As I searched for why, the only answer that came was, “I want to come home.” While I didn't understand why, I knew it was a demand not an invitation, and within three weeks I was moving into an RV on the banks of the Truckee River in Reno.

    The artsy quirkiness of Reno and spending time with family delighted me. However, the journey demanded more change, leading me to two years spent in two RVs, one on the stunning Lake Almanor in Northern California and one in a peaceful oak woodland in the mountains east of Julian. I now look back on that time as a cocoon where I gestated, turning into an imaginal goo unknowingly morphing into a different being.

    It almost makes me laugh: when I emerged, I brought with me a journal, a journal co-created with a life-long friend, a journal of self-discovery based on gratitude, a journal that offered a safe place to explore myself as well as an endless supply of courage and inspiration from over two hundred wisdom keepers.

    When I moved to Santa Barbara, it seemed as though the journey was complete, that I was on the shores of home with gentle waves washing the sands at my feet. Interesting that someone can spend her whole life missing the point. The waves never end and sometimes they are less than gentle.

    This past weekend, a dear friend invited me to a retreat at her church. It’s not an environment I feel comfortable in, but I wanted to have the experience with her. So I went, arguing with my resistance the whole time, forcing myself to explore the edges and open the door to new thinking. 

    Lo and behold! I brought home gifts which I’m still unwrapping. The word that seems to be attached to this bright package reads: Heartfulness. For this in-my-head person, this was a jolt and I have a sense that this is part of that “coming home" message; however, it’s going to take more time to glean the insights.

    In the meantime, this is Day 25 of the 30-day, Low Carb Challenge which continues with less than spectacular results but with continued motivation for better health. I know this is a long-haul process.

About Sweet peace:

Opening page of Sweet Peace journal

    The Sweet Peace journal was begun with the commitment to write a post every Tuesday for a year focused on finding peace with food and my body. Gradually, that focus has expanded to finding peace within myself and my life.

    With this 42nd post, Sweet Peace will become a part of my free newsletter on Substack and will no longer appear on this blog. Why? The main reason is that Substack creates more of a community and makes commenting easier. I live a relatively solitary life and hearing from readers, you, brings me connection and wisdom ... the purposes I noted on the opening page of Sweet Peace, which is where all of these writings begin ... and, fortunately, not in code.

    Hearing from you also brings me joy and hope that, together, we might create more peace in our world. If you're interested in the journaling journey toward inner peace, please join me at https://gratitudemojo.substack.com/s/sweet-peace.

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