Sweet Peace #37: Codegas of Confidence

Rainbow Spiral

“In Venice in the Middle Ages there was once a profession for a man called a codega—a fellow you hired to walk in front of you at night with a lit lantern, showing you the way, scaring off thieves and demons, bringing you confidence and protection through the dark streets.”

― Elizabeth Gilbert

Codega: Illuminator of the night. Bringer of light into dark places.

For those of us who are afraid of the dark, finding a codega seems like it would be a miracle, a blessing that would brings us confidence and courage. The monsters who lurk beyond the dark edges would be pushed back and we could walk strongly on through a path of light.

But I didn’t know about codegas until recently, and fear has been a constant companion even when seldom justified. Night, dark waters, strangers, unknown streets, crowds, lonely paths leading through unknown forests. Maybe it came from reading … things always go bad in books … or maybe it was part of my DNA, handed down from days of lions and tigers and bears … or perhaps from an angry family where I always felt alone and unsafe. I wanted a big brother to protect me, however, it’s hard for an only child to have a big brother.

Somewhere during my 20s, with a big brother-husband for protection, I began to recognize fear as my constant companion. Life offered me choices that demanded fear in payment. So, I studied courage; baby-stepped my way toward the bright baubles that lured me. Decades passed in a dance that zig-zagged toward a future that called, fear always pulling me back to a safe place before I struggled forward once again.

Eventually though, years of doing what scared me began to overpower fear. When my husband died fifteen years ago, I grew stronger about making choices in spite of niggling fears. I travelled by myself, lived in Mexico for two years, entered into and exited from relationships that weren't right, and moved often, trying on different situations. Fear was a reminder to examine situations, however, it was no longer calling the shots.

By my 70s, although I was well armed with the courage and confidence to make decisions about my life, there was one dark area that still stubbornly resisted my efforts: rejection related to my creative life: my writing and art. I’ve learned enough about art, and writing, to know that the judgment of it is subjective, with little predictability as to what will catch the public eye or what will become classic over time or fade into oblivion.

And, it shouldn’t matter because I can’t imagine life without writing or art. It’s as fundamental as food. However, both are a means of communication and sending writing or art into the world without someone receiving it, is a form of rejection. I was learning to live with this void … this rejection … imagining myself dying surrounded by a computer full of unseen art and writings and shelves of little books I’ve published for myself.

Available at GratitudeMojo.com

Then I began the Gratitude Mojo journal/workbook with Lynne Snead and things began to change. Lynne, in all ways the co-creator of this work, and Barbara Gaughen-Muller became my codegas, shining their light by reading and responding to the gradually developing workbook, being actively involved in its shaping. Their insights and encouragement shone a light that let me see a brighter path. It was like the three of us were skipping down the yellow brick road.

We’ve been on this path for over a year, and what I now feel sprouting is a confidence, a sudden willingness to risk rejection, to put this work out into the world, without expectations of success or financial reward. I have confidence that this is my best possible work … and what more can the world ask of me?

I am grateful to Lynne and Barbara for being my codegas of light. I also realize that other friends have each added their own light to my journey and, without them, this would have been a long, dark, and scary path.

If you would like to see a light-hearted overview of the Gratitude Mojo Path, click here.

And, all writings about gratitude, self-awareness, and self-appreciation will appear in the new newsletter GratitudeMojo.substack.com ... it's a free newsletter and you're invited to join the conversation.

I Wonder Why?

April 1, 2022 - This poem, written in 2015, reflected what I thought was a confusing time. Somewhat like the sign above, found in Gerlach, Nevada, I didn't know if it was a beginning or an ending. Now we know: strange times were just beginning. Where or when it will end is still to be determined. Maybe it's just part of the human state with almost 8 billion people trying to make it through the day on one fragile planet.

I wonder why?

I wonder why I, who believes in no dogma,

Who can no longer wear the badge of Christianity,

Keep asking myself, “What would Jesus do?"

And receiving an answer so different

from what I see around me?

I wonder why?

I wonder why we who live in the shelter

of freedom and abundance, allow mega-corps

a free ride while our wounded wander homeless,

our children go to bed hungry, and those who

have never known freedom or abundance

are turned away from our door?

I wonder why?

I wonder why we lock our doors at night and then

turn our backs on the creeping devastation coming our way?

I wonder why we still pour our money into weapons of mass

destruction as we climb into our cars and drink manufactured

water out of invincible bottles that will inherit our earth?

I wonder why?

I wonder why the heroes of our grandchildren are vampires,

zombies, and dead souls weaving their way through a dystopian

world without hope or reason, and why they inflict pain 

on their tender bodies in a search for art and meaning?

I wonder why?

I wonder why we lost our way?

"Lucky to Be in México!" and The Really Important Question

I feel very fortunate to be in México … but not for the reason suggested recently. Learning Spanish is a dream I’ve had for decades and I now have the time, resources and good health to follow that dream. For all of that I am incredibly grateful.

However, the reason I was given recently related to the Ebola situation going on in the states. The conversation was straight out of Steven King’s The Stand where a plague is unleashed on the world and the slightest exposure is fatal. The person I was talking with spoke of the health care worker who boarded a plane, thus exposing 132 people who are now wandering through the world exposing others.The apocalypse unleashed.

Watching what little news I’m exposed to (talk about a plague!), it’s clear that there is a lot of fear around this issue.  And it is scary … with all of our know-how and high-tech equipment designed to control contagion, how could a health care worker contract the disease. Is it that powerful? Does it fly through the air? Should we stop flying? Should we hunker down in our homes?

Perhaps it’s time to step back a bit. Things go wrong and it looks like a lot of things have gone wrong in this situation and we now have more questions than answers …

- How did Thomas Eric Duncan contract Ebola? His nephew says he was a cautious man and didn’t “help a pregnant woman with Ebola.” He lived in Liberia so he could have been exposed in many ways.
- Why did Texas Health Presbyterian Hospital Dallas send Duncan home with aspirin and antibiotics when he was running a 103 degree temperature and had just arrived from Liberia? Could the facts that he was black, poor and had no healthcare coverage have anything to do with it?- How did Amber Vinson contract the virus? AP reports are now showing that hospital staff did not wear the proper protective gear when first treating Duncan.- Why did Amber Vinson get on a plane when she knew she was sick? There are conflicting stories but apparently Vinson had a temperature of 99.5 and didn’t feel well so she contacted CDC and was told it was all right to fly, that a temperature that low was not symptomatic.- Exactly how does the Ebola virus spread? According to the World Health Organization, Ebola spreads "in the community through human-to-human transmission, with infection resulting from direct contact (through broken skin or mucous membranes) with the blood, secretions, organs or other bodily fluids of infected people, and indirect contact with environments contaminated with such fluids.” 

In other words, not by sitting on a plane breathing the same air as someone who “might” be carrying the virus. 

Given my druthers, I’d rather not be sitting on a plane with Amber Vinson but I think fear is the most dangerous plague we’re dealing with right now. We need to focus on controlling the disease at its source and not panic in the US where one person has died. 

The truly big question: From my perspective, the really important question is … how many people have died in the time we’ve been talking about Thomas Eric Duncan because they’ve been turned away from hospitals because they had no healthcare coverage. 

I’m not sure I’d want to know the answer but I would like to see this issue become part of the discussion.

Stealing Second

“Progress always involves risks. You can’t steal second base and keep your foot on first base.”

- Frederick B. Wilcox

Yesterday, I took my foot off first base; now I'm in the danger zone between first and second, not knowing what will come next.  

It all started with fear.

 

A couple of days ago I made a silly decision to go see "A Dark Knight Rises" as a minuscule act of resistance against fear.  What I received for this act was 2 hours and 44 minutes of non-stop violence and a disturbing view of an apocalyptic world.  I can't recommend this movie … take that precious 2 hours and 44 minutes and make life with it.

However, this thinking about fear prompted my current leap into the void.  Last December I was thrilled to be accepted into the Gallery at Marina Square in Morro Bay.  It is a beautiful space filled with the art work of almost 70 artists run by an inspired and very patient leader, Jane Siragusa.  It has been a great experience … I've learned a lot, met inspiring artists and was stretched to a new level when I was given the privilege of being a featured artist and had to fill 22' of wall space with my art.  

Acceptance into the Gallery was a major factor in my decision to move to the Central Coast … a decision I'm grateful for every day.  However, yesterday I resigned as an artist in the Gallery … turned loose of my safe, accepting, friendly and supportive place and decided to steal second.  The Gallery sits in the primary tourist area in Morro Bay so it gets a lot of traffic but most of its sales are jewelry and small pieces of art, often related to Morro Bay and its signature rock.  

In the past several weeks, I've spent a lot of time trying to find a strategy for making my art fit this market so that it would be financially more viable.  The problem is that I want to do bigger pieces, not smaller, and I want to do the work that calls me rather than what I think might sell.  

I believe in art.  I think the act of creativity heals our Universe … any act of creativity whether it's art, poetry, gardening, raising a child, teaching or dancing.  Creativity is not about the end result, it's about the process of pulling a piece of ourselves into the "real" world.  Focusing on the end result affects the creative process.  

The Gallery fits some artists perfectly … what they are called to create happens to be what the visitors to the gallery want to buy.  For me, it was a mis-match.  The safe route would have been to adapt to the market.  I'm choosing a more risky path leading to somewhere I can't see.  

Only tomorrow knows where we're headed.

About this image:  Into the Abyss

Harmony is a small art community here on the Central Coast, population 18, with a glass blowing and other art studios.  One day i was visiting there and, as I was walking toward the glass studio, something in the weed-filled area in back of it caught my eye.  It was just a wooden wall, burnt and weathered but it called to me and from it came this image.

The Cobwebs of Fear

It's Tuesday … just another day … just another opportunity to live the life of our choice … just another occasion to focus on kindness, gentleness, peace.  Just another day to resist the web of fear building in the corners.

I spent the weekend with friends including a young couple at the start of their lives together.  Part of the conversation revolved around fear and it struck me that fear  may be the defining emotion in our society … of our time.  It's easy to see why this would be … innocent people murdered by a madman in a movie house, warlords around the world blindly battling for power, a climate that may be heading toward the edge of a cliff, a fragile economic environment dependent upon neighbors we don't know or understand, a health care system that leaves most of us at risk financially, and, perhaps most disheartening of all, a loss of faith in our leaders.  

I thought how hard it must be for a young couple contemplating their future to even think about committing to a life-time of raising children.  But, then my friend said, "Hasn't it always been this way?"  And, I had to chew on that.  Is the time we're living in truly more dangerous than the past?  Or do we just bombard ourselves with all the news of danger?  

I've dabbled in genealogy recently and seeing families with 8 or 10 children … or more … is a common finding, accompanied by an also familiar indication of how many of them died in infancy or childhood.  One of my friends who has gone deeply into her own history found stories of mothers who left the old world for the new and spent weeks on a ship trying to protect their babies and toddlers from starvation and disease … often losing. Our ancestors left safety and literally walked into the face of danger in order to find a better life.  In 1918 … after losing 16 million people in World War 1, a three-year long flu epidemic claimed another 50-100 million people world wide … the equivalent of 3 out of every 100 people.  The "Great Depression" followed and reduced the average income by 40% and left 25% of the workforce unemployed.  World War II broke the depression but killed another 60 million people and left cities and lives across Europe and Asia decimated.  

Of course, earthquakes, tsunamis, hurricanes, famine, volcanoes, fires and terrorism also added to the mix of danger that has always been a part of our life here on earth.  There is no such thing as "safety" in our external world.  No amount of gated communities, guns, guard dogs, fences, face masks, Humvees or kung fu training will guarantee the safety of our physical being.  

Maybe that's our lesson.  We need to find a different form of "safety" … an internal form that gives us the strength to walk forward into the world, doing what calls us, facing the uncertainties, knowing that each day is precious and that there is no guarantee of a tomorrow.  For the past several days, I've been living with the image above … Mother of Creation.  She makes me think that we are all held in the womb of the Great Mother … that at a fundamental level of spirit, we are all completely safe.  She reminds me to be diligent in clearing away the cobwebs of fear.

In a tiny act of resistance, tonight at 6:15, I will be in the movie house close to me watching The Dark Knight Rises.

Opting Out Of The Fear Cycle

Recently I was in a conversation with an extremely smart man and he was telling me his version of the Apocalypse, in this case it was financial and included the demise of our monetary system, hyperinflation and high-level collusion, all leading to a Mad Max world.  It seems like I'm hearing a lot of strange tales these days ... chemicals being dumped on our heads as part of what we think are jet trails, secret prison camps for internal terrorists, in-home spy systems through digital television, and untold number of alien activities.

All of these may be true ... I definitely cannot prove them false.  But, one thing I have figured out is that they all involve fear and if I choose to believe them, I would have to live in fear.  I'm not going to do that any more.  I spent much of my early life in fear ... fear of almost everything.  It often kept me from doing what I wanted to do.

There was a game I used to play in an attempt to reduce that fear.  I would think of every possible permutation of what might happen in a situation and then work out what I would do in each case.  It made me feel stronger and more in control.  There was only one problem ... almost always, in spite of carefully working out all the possibilities, something completely unexpected would happen. Finally I got the picture that I couldn't predict the future ... I could only stay in the present and do my best to cope with what came my way.

I think all these doomsday scenarios are somewhat like that game.  Each one is possible but we really don't know if any of them will happen because game changers happen all the time.  One day we think there's a market for a few thousand computers in the world; the next day, school children are writing apps for iPhones.

We have a choice of what we believe, but what we believe affects how we live our lives.  If we believe that bankers are evil conspirators who try to steal our money, we try to find a way to take our money out of the system.  If we believe the world is a hazardous place, we try to build protective barriers and find weapons to defend ourselves.  When we see evil and danger in every corner; we start to live in fear.

I'm a practical person so I believe in being reasonably cautious and observing the signs of change in the world, but, call it pollyanna, apathy or just plain ignorance, I am opting out of the fear cycle.  I've lived my entire life under jet trails, I refuse to see them as anything other than interesting patterns in the sky.

And, if the Apocalypse is really coming, and I'm dead wrong, I'll deal with that when it gets here.  Meantime, I'm going to live in joy, focusing on the beauty of this world, believing that most people want to do what's right (even politicians, although that is sometimes a stretch) and that I'm better off living each moment fully rather than trying to anticipate a future which no one can know with any certainty.

I think Lillian Carter (Jimmy's mom) said it best:  "I don't think about risks much. I just do what I want to do. If you gotta go, you gotta go."