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For almost ten years now, I have failed at something I wanted a lot.
Actually, I don’t like the word failed. Let’s say that through the process of not achieving the goal I had set for myself, I learned a lot.
The thing I learned that is most relevant to this post is: I want my life to be about something other than searching for someone to live my life with. Most of this searching process has been done through OKCupid.
This morning I deleted my account.
The problem wasn’t with OKCupid. I love OKC and it’s basically free.
The problem wasn’t with the guys I met. There are amazing people in the online dating world and I never met anyone who wasn’t who he said he was in his profile. I made some great friends and learned more about the world and the challenges of relationships in this stage of being a “modern elder” (a term I just learned).
The problem is time. And vision. And statistics. I don’t know how much time I have left on this journey, but I know it’s less than I had ten years ago. The question I’ve chewed on for the past ten years is, “What do I want to do with the rest of my one wild and precious life.” (Thank you, Mary Oliver, and please forgive the adaptation.)
One of the best gifts of OKCupid was reading the profiles of people who are living very different lives and being able to ask myself if I would want to live that life. Would I want to expat to Panama? Would I want to live on a houseboat in southern France? Would I want to be an activist in the intellectual milieu of the Bay area?
This morning, and a long time coming, clarity arrived. Bless her soul.
I now know what I want. And, I also know that the chances of finding someone whose life dovetails with what I want are somewhat like the odds of winning the lottery, the mega-million kind.
I believe in an abundant, miraculous universe, though, so I’m not ruling out the possibility of finding a life partner whose path is compatible with mine. However, I am giving up the search and the time consumed by it. If there is a match in the cards, the Universe will have to make it happen.
The miracle in all of this is that I’m pretty sure that, had a “match” happened before now, it would have been before I was clear about what I truly want for my future. Therefore, it probably would have been doomed.
In case you’re wondering: I want to spend the rest of my days writing stories about issues that I’m passionate about. This means spending a lot of time researching, thinking, writing. It’s time to minimize draining distractions in order to focus.